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Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue
freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola
virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you
find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give
a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you
gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a
bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by
your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the
rest of the week face down in
the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driver's
test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash
it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
- except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled on a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very
least a bit unlikely that the
relative position of the planets and the stars
could have a special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies
to only you, but let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not
to realize that every single one of the is
absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for
someone much more talented than
you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts
next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back
(kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest
Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and
wonderful person, but you know
they're lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and
windows and never never never never never
leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your
horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay
yay)
That's your horoscope for today
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